Musings from my kitchen table

Well here I am again sitting and staring at my computer screen, I have done this many times and many times I have come up empty, many times I have felt like I have had so much to say but nothing has come... For me to write is to create and to exhale. To exhale the tension the familiarity  the worry and the running so fast that its the end of the day and I am not sure what I have done. As I exhale I find myself able to see, to dream and able to believe!


So as I sit here here and begin to get frustrated with my lack of divine inspiration I turn to my right I see and image hanging in my hallway WILD AND FREE it says in its faint font with its pastel background and I begin to try and remember the last time I felt wild and free, the last time I felt like I could truly roar with faith and  the last time I really did stand in a wide open space and feel free.. its been awhile///

The wide open space has always been before me I have never been hemmed in yet here I am thinking its been awhile since I was wild and free//

 Life can knock us round sometimes, sometimes we go through seasons where everything is just a little bit harder than we anticipated and sometimes life in itself just sucks the life out of us. And then before we know it we stand hemmed in a little tamer than before and internally not really reassembling anything of what we once were. And then there is a moment, a moment of acknowledgement, a moment of acceptance for what was and what has been, a moment where the sun begins to breakthrough the clouds that we never really realized had settled on us.. You see the beautiful thing with a moment is that that is all it takes, a moment for God to breath life again, a moment for God to open our eyes and cause us to dream again. A moment for us to realize that all we had to do was open the gate and breathe, breathe in the bigness, breathe in peace, breathe in the air just breathe... its a process and its a season but one worth embracing..

So as I sit here and I continue to exhale and I continue to let God realign, refill and assure me that no season past, present or future is ever wasted.. I continue to tune into the voice that tells me the gate is open, the shackles are gone and the season is mine that being wild and free is just a step away if only I would walk and if only I would step! So I make a choice to get up, stand tall put on  my big girl shoes with the kick ass heel and GO, clinging to the truth that if he is for me who can be against and clinging to the fact that I am a called, anointed and chosen daughter of the King, this season and story is mine and once again I can run wild and free...

H x

BE

I'm sitting here in the dark, the lights are out, I'm home alone, well home alone of adult company! On my chest is my sleeping daughter, so fragile and so small yet so full of complexity and incredible design. She really is a miracle! And as I sit I don't really want to move I want to stay in this moment for as long as I can there will be a time when a sleeping baby in my chest is no longer and option, and in the same breathe I'm thinking as I'm writing this that this isn't very spiritual, there isn't s deep revelation that one can share to reflect the glory of God, or to draw people closer to him and as I'm writing this (on an incredibly small screen might I add ) I say STOP.. this is a moment that I won't ever get back, this is a moment that in all of history will never take place again. It will never again be 9.05pm Thursday the 9th February 2017. Never again will this moment be upon me, so often in life I rush, I'm always on to the next task while doing my current task. So often my brain is thinking and comparing, analyzing and overthinking when really all I need to do is be! Be in this moment bask in the complexity of a tiny human made so intricately by a glorious designer, bask in the silence that is the end of the day, bask in a moment where it's just me... so as I sit and as I breathe I focus on The silence and in that silence there lies peace, a peace and a security that I am indeed loved beyond measure, I am indeed enough and I am indeed holy enough. Among the holiness there is life, a life to be lived that is worthy of the calling and worthy of the price Jesus paid, a life that is destined and created to bring glory to the one true living God but it is life and a life to be lived! And sometimes to live is just to be.

This beautiful life

                      

 Here I am again, back at my friend the key board the familiar feeling of the keys underneath my fingertips, the gentle breeze on my face as I hear the sound of the birds scurrying in the back yard. Back in my similar surroundings of my space, my desk my chair MY SPACE, not for works sake, not for tasks sake but for the sake of my soul. I made a conscious decision a few weeks to take back control of areas of life that had got out of control. I felt like my world was spinning and I was getting dizzy, I felt like time was disappearing and I couldn't keep up and I felt like I was achieving nothing apart from to do lists and tasks for other people and somehow among all of that I had got lost. I felt like I was caught in between the tension of how much to give and how much to hold back. I was unhappy, then I realized that I was in fact the only person who could do anything about it.
So often in life I find myself looking for someone else to blame when in fact it was my choice all along. So here I am feeding my soul, hanging out in my happy space, soaking up the peace and quite and pressing pause on those not so urgent matters. Because at the end of the day the tasks will still be there..

 So here I am trying to find a new rhythm of LIFE, I know that we are created to live a beautiful life, a life that is full of COLOR, PASSION, FUN, PUSH, VISION, PEACE, LAUGHTER, DEEP FRIENDSHIPS, CONVERSATION, ADVENTURE, MIRACLES, FAMILY, SERVICE and so much more BUT how do we fit all that into what seems such a small space of time. Some people tell me prioritize ones needs and desires, put yourself first and think about what you want. But then I live with the tension that this life is not my own. The day I met Jesus was the day that I chose to give that up, it was the day that I chose to no longer live for myself BUT to live for the cause of Christ and it was the day that i realized this life I live needs to be one that is lived in such a way it speaks of the glorious power, grace and faithfulness of God..


So what is this rhythm for a beautiful life ? The rhythm for a life not to be endured but enjoyed. The rhythm to live for oneself but also for the sake of others and the cause of Christ.
The definition of BEAUTIFUL is having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: Wonderful Pleasing or Very Satisfying


I don't think there is a simple fix for living a beautiful life 24/7, much like a diamond it has many facets. It contains many people, many relationships, many tasks, many dreams, many directions and many what if's. But also like a diamond it is filled with extreme beauty and light.  Filled with unique opportunities to be embraced, to shine under both extreme heat and extreme pressure but also held by its owner in every season, set in the most precious metals secure and strong.

You see one of the keys maybe the only key to living this beautiful life, that brings us great pleasure and great satisfaction, the key to living a delightfully wonderful beautiful life is to know the life source, to know the precious metal the holds us so tightly, to know the hand that never lets us go.
To know that in him the perfect balance of self and others is found, to know that in him is wisdom, instruction and the perfect plan for your life and the lives around you is found.

" when you find me, you find life, real life.. you find the favor of the Lord " Prov 8:35

H xx

December the 29th ponderings...

Sometimes I feel far away from God, I know he is constantly with me but sometimes in the chaos of life I loose my awareness of his nearness. Yet as I sit here in my bed on this morning I am more aware of his presence than ever before, I am aware of his peace that encompasses me, his grace that has saved me and his power that has enabled me. And without a doubt I know I am loved, cherished and protected, even in my weakness and my humanity God still loves me and I am moved to tears, how easy it is to forget to pause and allow his presence to penetrate every inch of our being and suddenly realize that even though we have felt far away we never were he was always there waiting to pour out his presence, his peace and his love! Where are you today? Can you stop? Can you stop and let God whisper let his presence engulf you? Its in moments like this that I find the world stops and the only thing that matters is me and my God, I feel as though the rest of the world keeps spinning but I am still and I encounter his presence, he realigns my thoughts, my heart and fears and all of a sudden I am reminded I am his and he is mine and everything else fails in comparison.. So where are you today? Where are your thoughts? Wheres your heart? Can I encourage you to take a moment and allow his presence to rest on you and remind you that at the end of the day he definatley holds it all, he is God and his presence is accessible for us anytime we just need to fix our eyes and still out hearts!

Decemeber 2015

We are having a baby! Yes you read it right we are having a baby as I sit here by my computer I am 10.5 weeks pregnant to early to tell the world but I need to begin write and I don't want to miss the opportunity for the words to flow when the mood hits I need to begin so here goes... When I actually post this I will be well on the way to populating the earth with a small Hannah or Aaron, we will be well on the way to being parents and this is nothing short of a miracle. The journey some of you may know some of you may not know but there is a thread that flows through this journey and that is PEACE, When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, you have taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. The peace that surpasses all understanding, the peace that lasts every season, a peace that HE leaves with me... I will never forget the time on April 2012 when I took my first pregnancy test I couldn't believe my eyes as two pink lines appeared I WAS blown away I didn't even think I wanted children let alone had been trying.. As i sat on my bed and stared the reality hit I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY! The feelings of terror and joy overwhelmed me and as I eagerly awaited for my husband to arrive home his dreams of being a dad were about to come true.. We were thrilled to say the least and entered into this pregnancy with joy, excitement, dreams and so much more.. Over the 12 weeks we found a midwife, we told people, we choose names I even allowed myself to purchase some neutral items for the birth of this wee bundle, This was an exciting time. I remember the day of our scan, over the hill we were to go to see this beautiful creation to see this baby and hear its heart beat for the first time. As I waited in the waiting room I was so excited both Aaron and I were tapping our feet filled with enthusiasm. My name was called off I went, as I lay on the bed feeling vulnerable and exposed not knowing what to expect as the radiographer did what she needed to do she turned and looked at us there was a look in her eyes that I now know I have seen it many times it is a look of sadness a look of disappointment.. She asked how far along we were and we chirped up 12 weeks she said its only showing as nine weeks and I am sorry there is no heart beat.. Even now writing this I can remember the dread and the agony the overcame me, what did she mean no heartbeat this was our time I am a child of God this is his promise.. the rest of the time is a blur all I can remember is tears,heartache, hospital visits,contractions, text messages and desperate prayers to God for a miracle, 12 hours later it was finished, there was no more baby, there were no more dreams, there was just heartache, pain and agony oh the agony my heart I wasn't sure it was ever going to recover.. Yet somehow in all of this there was still God.. Days followed with tears and pain yet somehow surrounded in a peace that I couldn't explain I trusted God he was in control and somehow this was going to turn out to be OK. I could go on forever about that years that followed and the more pregnancy fails, the emotional roller coaster,the frustration and then the silent waiting period where we decided that the dream of being parents was on the shelf..And what would be would be. In simple form we eventually decided to trust God completely ( no easy decision to get to) and the choice was made to pursue him above all else and what would be would be, this is a choice we talked about, prayed about and decided on together. Some people thought we were silly why not investigate, why not pursue answer, why not push a little harder all we could say is we feel peace about this CHOICE.. I truly believe God is good all the time...I trusted him completely... Although at times my heart was sad I choose faith.. On the other side of the story there were many many people who continued to stand in the gap and pray for a baby for us, to petition on our behalf. If I am truly honest part of me had given up. I am so thankful that many others hadn't... And that the prayers of the righteous do prevail I'm thankful for moments like this for the BODY of Christ honestly what an incredible network of family and people who do life with you, uphold you and spur you on even at a distance! I LOVE CHURCH.... Which brings me to now we are having a baby... we have passed the first trimester and well on our way into our second trimester, in just 17 weeks our miracle, our gift from God will be her. OH HOW GODS TIMING IS PERFECT! As i stepped out of one season confused as to what the next season looks like, As I moved out of one season in obedience to the prompting of God having no idea what is to come next, As i stepped out of one door into a wide open space not knowing what is next.. here comes a wee package straight from our faithful God.... and due over our national summer break God really is too cool....

In the weeks leading up to before I found out I was pregnant ( and trust me that was a MASSIVE surprise I couldn't believe it as again I stared at the two lines on a stick speechless thats another story for another day ) I wrote a wee bridge to a song simply with the words.. "You are faithful to finish what you started, you are able to work your word in me" "Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be given to you, Trust the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind lean not on your own understanding"

God is good all the time..... Love H x

Breathe

                                                  

I'm searching and I am lost, I cant see you I cant find you, the chaos of this world echoes in my head I am desperate for a moment with you I cy out " I need you " and I breathe.. and then I stand I see your feet, I stand and I cry and you wipe my tears, I stand and am so aware of my inadequacies and short comings you fill  me with your love. I breathe

I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to hide anymore I want you to see me I want you to know me... One moment and I am free, one moment and I am restored, one moment and confusion leaves.. for the moment to occur I need to stop, I need to pause I need to breathe. I breathe

You are so good to me, you are so gracious, your mercy is new everyday, you are all I need.

I am desperate for you to move, I am desperate to hear you voice, I am desperate for more of you and less of me, I breathe....

I raise my hands in surrender knowing you hold it all, knowing in you I am safe, knowing in you I find all I need I breathe....

As I breathe I sense you, I feel you I know you are near and as the world fades and you become my focus and I can say " In my weakness you are strong"  and as I breathe...  I whisper " I praise you Lord, less of me and more of you"


As your glory and love engulf me I am left speechless, in a moment when I choose to breathe out the world and breathe you in peace is found, I am found in the love of my fathers arms.

I am loved...... I breathe

The issue is not in the reaction the issue is what lies beneath.

 

 

For every reaction or response there is an action, there is something that starts the reaction in motion, we often can put it down to being tired, we can put it down to having a bad day but I would ask the question what’s the state of your heart?

It started one day as I went for a bike ride I couldn’t settle, I was agitated and frustrated, and I thought I was bored... As I peddled on my bike I felt the frustration building I looked for a space to stop and I landed on a cold concrete step and as I sat there pondering in my frustration I realized that I wasn’t bored I just didn’t like the reactions that I had been having as of late. I wasn’t enjoying the person that I was becoming and I knew there was only one solution, and that terrified me.

You know to do a stock take of your heart it takes courage, boldness and a little bit of brutal honesty. As I sat on the step I realized that my heart was sick, not just a little sick really sick. How had I ended up here? In an instant I realized that I had neglected to guard my heart and I had also neglected to allow the Holy Spirit to point out anything that was of offense to him. I had taken captive my heart and I was living in wallow valley, my focus had shifted and suddenly it was all about me.  As I sat on the cold concrete step I tried to see God, often in my life I have moments where I close my eyes, breathe and I see, there I am dancing dressed in white before my creators feet, this brings me peace in an instant but today all I saw was empty nothingness….. I was so frustrated what was wrong with me where was God? Slowly but surely as I sat and frustration left God in his beautiful grace began to reveal, he began to reveal my symptoms he began to gently reveal that which had made its way into my heart and was causing the effects of the illness and why I was unable to see. He began to show me the latest tenants of my heart... I was bitter, I was sad, I was prideful, I was feeling abused and unappreciated, I was also feeling lost and I was running on empty.

(  Side note we are not meant to do life in our own strength, we aren’t meant to neglect our devotional life for sleep, TV, fun or even personal hygiene now please do all of the above but can we keep the main thing the main thing and that is relationship with Jesus Christ. I  know that life gets busy and I know that our hands, arms and lives are FULL but God our father gives us all we need and if we do not go to him you will end up sick and tired literally! )

Empty is never a good place to start or live and I sat there I God spoke he breathed and he began to rearranged. As my pen hit the paper I began to write down the illnesses that my heart was suffering, like any illness there is an antibiotic, there is something that you can combat the sickness with.  So as I wrote God instructed me with the due course of antibiotics that my heart needed specific instruction so that in time my heart would be well again.

The problem with any sickness is it takes time to recover and if you do not take your medication properly the lingering germ will hang around  dormant until we are yet again weak and vulnerable and at the right time it will wake again leaving us bed ridden or even useless.

So I had a choice I could decide to take the prescribed course of antibiotics, yes it may be painful, they may even not taste that great but the desired result would be wholeness and wellness or I could ignore it for another 6 months and it would come back with a vengeance.. I happened to choose the first option... And as I continued to write GOD revealed that ugliness that had invaded my heart, the attitudes that were out of line and the thought processes that I had allowed to reign in my thought life. You see so often we can blame other people for the state of our heart HOWEVER the bible says

 

 

     “guard YOUR heart with all diligence for out of it flows the well springs of life” Prov 4:23

My responsibility was to make sure my heart was ok nobody else was going to do that. Regardless of situation my heart was my responsibility. So I swallowed the antibiotics, I admitted my short comings, I repented for holding onto things that I just needed to let go and I allowed God to once again reign supreme in my heart, it is rightfully his anyway. I booted out the tenants that had occupied his space and I breathed, and as I breathed there I was dancing before my creator in my white dress however this time no longer was I just dancing at his feet but his HUGE (huge being the operative word) hands had engulfed me and in this little zone I danced, free, happy and filled with peace..

 

 

“If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” Jer 29:13

You see the problem isn’t the reaction often the problem is that which lies underneath, often undetected until a moment, a moment where something you never knew existed shows its ugly face and suddenly you are stunned at the person that you have become in this situation, all this can be avoided as we allow our gracious creator to review our hearts and point out anything that offends him regularly, in doing this you can dance through life free, getting stronger, building muscle all while engulfed in the hands of your creator..

 

“Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.” Psalms 139:23-24 (msg)